Bumper Cars

Globe, let me tell you a story. Yes, now would be the time to curl up in a blanket and get some milk and cookies. Once upon a time, Mma, a friend of mine, enlisted my help for the creation of a music video for a friend currently serving an LDS mission in Belize.Well, I belize he's in Belize, but sometimes I get confused about these kinds of things. I know you know what I mean, you forgetful globe you. This music video is going to be freaking epic and will be on Youtube and my blog soon for all to enjoy. The epic-est part of the whole thing is that I didn't think it was possible to do the things that we're doing for this project. Video making is like voodoo magic. Quite frankly I didn't think it was real. I figured only mystical and mostly fictional witches did most of the creating for us to enjoy, but it turns our any ol' person can do it as long as they have a lock of hair and a needle. So upon this oncely time, I got into my vehicle (pictured above) and took a drive down the road to Mma's aunt's house for filming. I was dressed all nice in a suit and tie and had my dads old missionary tag on to make everything legitimate. Blocks from my house, ten or so feet down Moapa Valley Boulevard, a small family of lost and confused tourists decided to make a speedy U turn from the right curb without looking to see if anyone was coming. To their defense, our quaint little town is not very crowded and at a hundred other times, they wouldn't have hit anyone, but this time, I was, in spite of my defensive swerve into the left turn lane, hit. And we all lived car-less ever after, the end.

Wasn't that a nice story! No NO NO! you're not supposed to actually answer that, 1) it's a rhetorical question and 2) I didn't even put a question mark. How long have you been reading? (yes, answer that one. it's the reader question of the day! if you don't answer it in the comment section below, your true love crush won't love you like ever and tomorrow you'll miss out on a chance of a lifetime and in seven days a bunch of retired politicians will decide to do a Boston Tea Party re-enactment in your living room and they'll use really hard staining tea that you won't be able to get out, so you'll call stanley steamer and they'll come down and their equipment will break, not because they can't get every stain known to man out, but because they were just due for new equipment but they'll have to fill out the proper paperwork for the damage and someone will draw a funny picture on the back and fax it to their buddy and they'll send it to everyone they know and one of them will be a lobbyist who will start a lobbying scheme to change the way people clean their homes and when congress passes it a billion million dollar earmarks will be underwritten and a million people will start protests asking their congressmen and women to be bored out of their mind reading it and this time they actually will and the government will lose the ability to act at all because they'll spend all of their time reading thousands of pages of legal jargon which they will have to look up in a dictionary and right when America is at it's weakest, we'll be attacked by terrorists and the president will freak out and nuke a bunch of countries that he personally blames and the whole world will be pulled into a nuclear holocaust culminating in the extinction of the human race)

I also had a vision. See, one thing I really enjoyed in high school was speech and debate, and i was pretty swell at it and I think what i want to do with my life is use spoken word to change really big things. Wouldn't that be cool? I think it would be.

Well have a cool day,

So Short.

Politícia

Globe, and by "Globe" I mean "America", and by "America" I mean "People of Nevada", I have a very important thing to discuss today. This thing is one that might raise questions which might solicit answers which might inspire, despire or perspire other negative, positive or neutral responses. The thing I would like to say is this: Politícia. Some of you might be wondering, "what does this mean to me? does this have anything to do with politics? If this has something to do with politics, why am i reading this freakin' stupid thing about politics!? CURSEWORD!! What has the internet come to !?!?!?!?!" The answer to all of these wonderings is simple: yes. in about a month we Globecans (meaning explained above) will be faced with a decision. That decision seems simple on the outside, either the current senate minority leader, or an average Joe-anne painted tea partiatarian. However, the decision is not as simple as it seems. It's between a vicious Obamanite Warrior and a ferocious Palinite hydra. I'm a little bit in the predicament many people in my community are. I'm having trouble deciding. (actually I may or may not be having trouble deciding, but for our purposes here:) I'm having quite a time at it.

Now, my political woes aren't the standard woes that you might have read in your local newspaper. I'm not like all those hippies who can't decide which candidate is the lesser of two evils. I just love both of them so much I can't decide which one to put my full force behind. I just loved the healthcare reform, i don't think that it's fair that those satanistic insurance companies were killing johny because he's sick and I'm tired of hardworking Globecans being either denied coverage or having to pay ridiculous amounts because their hospitals are compensating for uninsured emergency care. That may lead you to assume that i'm all for that Harry guy, but Mrs. Acute has just the same pull on health care because I just HATED the healthcare bill. I don't want all my plastic surgery bills to be taxed to pay for a jobless socialite's cancer treatment and I definitely don't want the government to make me actually use insurance money to pay for emergency visits. I'm also not sure that all the words in that bill were in my reading level and I shutter to think that someone in government is better with words than your average blogger. What is this nation coming too?! Both candidates also have fantastic points of view on Social Security. Sharron wants it gone and Harry thinks it should stay. I'm not sure how they developed these incredibly complex opinions but i love them none-the-less. I hate social security. I don't want the government to give my money to some old guy with a walker. That's not fair to me. On the other hand social security is awesome! I'm so happy to know that when i get old, some young fellas will pay for my groceries. That's so nice of them. I think abortions are fun, but I don't think we should kill babies. I don't like the thought of my rights being protected by homosexuals in the middle east, but I met a gay guy once and it's not fair that he can't serve openly in the military. The government definitely should spend and govern less at all costs but I  like watching the deficit clock online and they do do a lot of nice things for Americans. I'm pretty ANGRY!! and happy.

Luckily, I have a solution to all my woes. I want Harry Reid and Sharron Angle to make a baby. (i advocate they do this without physical contact. Get your mind out of the gutter!) This baby should be named Harry Angle and I will vote for it. In office, it will do all the things I like from both candidates. It will protect the middle class and tax the heck out of nerds with super wealth making careers while simultaneously raising taxes on poor people, eliminating jobless benefits and slipping checks straight into the pockets of specialy interesting billionaires who I'm sure will spend it on creating jobs. It will eliminate social security while making it better and increasing it's impact. It will draft all homosexuals so they can serve our country openly away from our unaborted babies who all will have the right to privacy and their future offspring decisions. Globe, you know this is the only way to go here. I didn't think I could love any two candidates more than i love Harry Literacy and Sharron Obtuse, but fortunately we can elect them both. Lets do this Globe.

Untitled Post #1

It's Friday. You know what that means globe. Well actually, you probably don't know for sure. Heck, i'm not quite sure what it means either to tell you the complete truth, but the complete truth is often overrated. Don't get me wrong, the truth is always a good thing, but I think the great thing about truth is that it's rather elastic. Truth is the great invincible rubber band. Stretch it around any person and you can catch yourself a suspected terrorist or maybe some nice lawsuit winnings or a dirty politician. Or stretch it around your wrist and it will look like you stand for something or that you trade arm bands and are therefore really cool. . Truth is fantastic, but complete truth is an affront to what we're trying to accomplish here. It's Friday for truth's sake! We don't want to run around ruining it by mentioning that the economy still sucks, that Christine O'Donnell is running for office or that Lindsay Lohan's twin sister will miss her in prison. That would be un-American. That would be un-Globecan. Lets reserve this day for hiding from absolutes! Lets stretch that truth! We're out of Iraq! Yeah! Some people still have jobs! Yes! Its Friday and that means everything is going to be alright. Indeed. 


Important news for pests today. The national Bed Bug Summit is underway in Chicago. At least it was yesterday and if it's over by now, re-read the above paragraph's fourth sentence's second independent clause. If you are a bug who lives in a bed and bites unsuspecting children even though their parents told them not to let you, you better get your bug butt to the summit because you are late. That's all I have to say on the matter. 


(the following paragraph should be read pausing after every few words like president Obama does to make it seem official)


Well, it is time for me to mention a point. We need points in this world to make our things into stuff. I've promised the Globecan people stuff and I plan to honor that promise. I'm not the first to take up this battle but I'm determined to be the last. This project is one of real importance to all who are participating and it's one that definitely has a point. Otherwise we'd have nothing to point at others with. I personally like a nice laser pointer or a long pointing stick. In the days weeks and months to come I hope you point in the right direction. Thank you.